11 days since my last post.
(I lie... I lie. I am up on the 11th typing this up!)
I don't know why I let myself neglect this space. I have sat in bed with my computer on my lap, trying to type and nothing ever comes out right. It sucks when that happens because I have had so much on my mind lately. So much has happened the past few weeks. So many learning experiences and life lessons. A month ago I never imagined that I would be where I am today.
That's what I am!
Oh and let's not forget exhausted. I still have not been able to get a consistent good nights rest and it's been 10 days since I have written about my sleep problems. A few of you (thank you Paula!) have emailed or commented with suggestions that I have been trying. No luck yet.
I just need to clear my mind... and stop stressing.
Specifically when it comes to relationships.
Relationship with Colon...
Don't get me wrong. I am happy. This break up was for the best and I do not regret it at all. It's weird because I constantly get the "Would you be upset or jealous if he starts dating someone else?" and I can honestly answer that with a "No". I can smile genuinely and know in my heart that I want what is best for him and I want him to be happy; Even if that does not include me. That is how I know I am truly over the relationship.
BUT he is all that is familiar. Sometimes, I "crave" a hug or a cuddle. For seven years, my head rested comfortably in the crook of his neck. That was MY spot. My comfort zone.
NOW it's wrong to crave the simple familiar gestures that became habit throughout the seven years. And guys... I miss it.
I just need to remember that he is still my best friend. The person who knows practically everything about me.
We are still friends.
Relationships with family...
This has always been hard for me. I am not the best sister or daughter. I love my family with all my heart.
They mean everything to me.
So why is it that I pull away from them when I go through difficult times. I always get scared that I have disappointed them. I am afraid to hear the judgement in their voice.
Now, through this whole break-up, I was able to pick up the phone and call my mom and sisters. I was able to open up and let them know how I was feeling. But when it came to calling my dad, I had the hardest time.
When it comes to calling my dad, I am having the hardest time. He is the one person that I KNOW will give me the best advice. I know he will be the first person to be there for me... but I don't think I can bear to see the disappointment in his eyes or hear it in his voice!
Stupid... I know. I just have to get over it!
Relationship with friends...
Whenever changes occur, I find myself clinging to certain friends..
My long time, long distance best friend, Chris. We don't speak often but when we do Skype or phone we pick up where we left off. There is no judgement in our relationship. He accepts me for all my faults and quirkiness. He has shown me what friendship is. If I could only be a better friend to him...
My in town friend Victor. I met him for a brief moment in Miami. When Colon and I moved to Arizona, Victor kindly allowed us to stay with him. He kept me company during the holiday's last year and was my supportive friend when Colon and I were having issues last year. Now, again, he has been such a great friend. Again... I am not as good of a friend to him as he is to me...
New friends from work. I have mentioned them before. I am so happy that I have been able to make friends and get to know new people. They have been awesome with this whole thing going on in my life and I am so grateful for them. BUT why is it so hard for me to open up to them and let them in?
All of my friends. I suck the life from our friendships. I truly do love people. So why is it that I shut them out? Everything is going fine and then... I just retreat and pull into my (turtle) shell. Why do I do this?
PS... I am aware this post went nowhere... this is how my pre-sleep thoughts have been swirling in my mind lately...