Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Is there something wrong with me?

So... I have been dealing with something lately. I have never mentioned it before. Not even to Colon. But it's bothering me and I cannot keep it in any longer. It has something to do with this post and this post.

So, a couple of month's ago, my boyfriend lost his brother. It has been hard on the family, but they seem to be doing well. They are strong and although they are hurting they are getting through everything together. 

The reason I bring this up tonight is because of a recurring thought that has been haunting me. It became too much last night. I needed to let it out. Write it down. Verbalize what I have been thinking.

 It became too much when I was sitting in a UF lecture room listening to my boyfriend give his last speech to the members of a society that he has been a part of since his sophomore year of undergrad. In this speech, he was trying to inspire the members. Give them advice. Make them stronger. He started the speech off by mentioning his brother. 

That was when I lost it. I started crying. Why do I always do that? Why is it that I cannot keep it together when he is so strong?

My boyfriend obviously admires his brother and his loss has strengthened him. He has used it for fuel. And this is why I love him so much. 

But I have gone off track. 

I will never forget that call. The one where Colon was hysterical on the phone. I will never forget the pain I heard in his voice. I will never forget the pain I felt in my heart for the man I love. I will never forget the pain I felt in my heart from the loss of someone that I loved like a brother.

 I will also never forget the things that were going through my head. Especially one thought in particular. That one thought that I am ashamed of. That one thought that I still have to this day.

"Thank God that it was not Colon".

There. 

I wrote it. 

So selfish.

 How could I even think that when someone has lost their life? That makes me such a horrible person. Doesn't it? How could something like that even come to my head. I feel so guilty

How could I?

Is there something wrong with me?

XO 


...and if you want to read an inspiring post that will make you cry than check this post out by Dan Pearce



4 comments:

  1. I have known you for a very long time and have always thought you to be an amazing person. There is nothing wrong with you! The last thing you should ever feel is guilty for those thoughts and feelings.

    I honestly believe they would be the first reaction for most people. You just love Colon very much....thats all....and there is nothing wrong with that.

    Dont be hard on yourself.

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  2. It is human nature to care more about the loss of people you are closer to than people to whom you do not have as strong bonds. It's not any worse than thinking "I'm glad it wasn't _____" when you see a terrorist attack on the television or a natural disaster. While the people who died were loved dearly by *someone*, you can still be thankful your loved ones were fine.

    Ask yourself this: were you glad that it was his brother that died, or simply glad that Colon didn't die? It's ok to feel good that someone in particular didn't die as long as you aren't glad that someone died at all.

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  3. I am so sorry you and Colon and his family are going through this. Do no feel bad that you had that thought! It does not mean anything about your character or integrity. That is a completely normal reaction. You aren't malicious and you absolutely have to let yourself off the hook for this. Of course you don't want harm on your loved ones.

    If it helps, I have a story. When I was in high school I was on the phone with my friend who was on her way to my house. She had another of our friends in the car with her. All of a sudden, I heard a terrible noise and the phone cut out. It turns out I had heard a three car crash that my friends were involved in. Someone who was on drugs had run a red light and hit a car in an intersection. That car had hit my friend's car. The two people (a woman and her daughter) who were directly hit died. I actually knew the woman and her daughter as well. And I was so sad they had died and at the same time so relieved my friends did not. You aren't happy about a death...you're happy someone you love was spared while at the same time mourning the person who died. And there is nothing wrong with that.

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  4. I'm sorry your struggling with this. But grief does not have rules, its doesn't have a time limit. It just is. Everyone deals with it differently. Its ok that you are thankful it wasn't the man you love, its ok that you cry. Just let your self grieve. I have to remind myself of these things all the time. After losing Hope I have had my good/bad days. Sometimes I just cry and cry. Then I will smile at the fact I have a little baby in Heaven. Crazy how our minds work, right??

    Hope you feel better getting this out!

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