Friday, February 10, 2012

Ashamed and Proud...

Something happened tonight (I am typing this at 11pm Thursday)... and I am quite ashamed and proud of myself at the same time. Let me explain...

Colon and I were having a great night. He took me to get Gelato and then we went to his soccer game. It was freezing, but his team won. When we first started walking to the car, everything was cheery. We were talking and laughing. Then it turned sour. He said something that I did not like, I warned him that I did not like it, and he kept going. Then... I snapped! I said "That's annoying" and I think the f-word slipped in. 

Yup. Not very nice. After I said it, I was shocked. It seriously just came out of my mouth. It was awkwardly quiet when we got into the car. I wanted to say "I am sorry", but something was holding me back. 

Do you know what it was?

My freaking pride. I did not want to be the one to "give-in". That is extremely sad. I did not say anything because I wanted to save face. I am so ashamed of that. 

I was in the wrong and I could not admit it. Sure, Colon said something that drives me insane. Sure, he knows that the comment he made drives me insane. BUT, I should NEVER have let the f-word come out. It wasn't what I said, it was the way I said it. And I said it using a word that I NEVER EVER use. 

And, I am ashamed. 

We got home and walked into the apartment. All was quiet. We got ready to relax around the house and we still didn't say anything. It was so awkward. 

While he was in the shower, I decided that I needed to be a grown up and apologize. So, I knocked on the door while he was in the shower and walked in. I apologized and it felt great. 

And, I am proud of the fact that I was able to ((finally)) swallow my pride and apologize.   

But, this post is about more than this one instance. It is amazing how anger can make you do and say things without thinking. It is also amazing how pride can take over. I now realize how much pride I have and how much I need to work on controlling my actions that are motivated by pride. 

Have you ever done something that you are ashamed of? Have you ever said/done something without thinking that was motivated by anger? Have you ever let your pride stop you from doing the right thing?

Well, I hope I didn't bore you! I just needed to throw these thoughts out there...

XO


2 comments:

  1. oh gosh, i am right there with you girl. i have so much trouble when it comes to backing down, and saying I am wrong. darn that pride!
    xo TJ

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  2. good for you for apologizing. there is so much to learn in relationships and that is a big one! : )

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