Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Trust and self confidence

For the past 6 months, my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship. He has been interning in California and I have been here in Florida. A couple of weeks before he left to California, I wrote this post. At that time, I was starting to become nervous. He was there with me, but in a few short weeks he would be gone. 

In that post, I talk about trust in relationships and I am proud to say that my view has not changed. Trust is so necessary in a relationship and if it is missing then the relationship is doomed. But, are there other things that are necessary in a relationship? How about self-confidence? 

I promise that this post was not influenced by my random thoughts. It was actually spurred on by a friend (who I will call Jacob for the sake of this post). When I first met Jacob, he was a normal guy. He was extremely respectful and was a gentleman. That has not changed. His is still so sweet and such a gentlemen, but I am starting to notice that these traits have backfired on him. He is easily overrun and I have to admit that I even find myself taking advantage of his willingness to be so nice and helpful. I am ashamed of this and have been working on it. Honestly, I felt so bad when I noticed it, that I keep a close watch over the way I treat him. 

Well, I am starting to get off track so let me make my way back. Jacob is an amazing guy and deserves to be treated as such. As the months went by, I started to get to know him. He started to tell me about his girlfriend (I will call her Kerry) and his family. The things he told me about his family made me sad because his family situation was not that great. The thing is, I always made myself feel better by thinking "at least he has a girlfriend that loves him and is there for him".  

Then I started to find out more about his girlfriend. As I found out more about their relationship, I started to realize how detrimental lack of trust is to a relationship. He was being overrun and "controlled" by Kerry.

I was informed that Jacob's girlfriend had access to his email accounts and social media accounts. She checks them and questions anything that looks suspicious. This behavior sends up red flags and would scare me if it was present in my relationship. I refuse whenever my boyfriend tries to give me passwords to his email accounts or any other accounts. I do not care if he writes on another girls wall on Facebook or if he tweets some other girl. I trust him and the love he has for me. 


The day that I deem it necessary to check up on him on Facebook or through his email account, is the day that I have to get out of this relationship. 


Why? Because, my staying in a relationship with someone I do not trust is an indication of my lack of self confidence. If I had confidence in myself, I would know that I deserve a relationship where trust is present. If I have to check up on him, then that means I expect him to be cheating. If this is what I expect, then I clearly should not be with him. So, if I stay with him in this situation it is because my own self-perception has led me to believe that I cannot find someone else. 


This is what I think is happening between Jacob and Kerry. She has no self-confidence which spurs her behavior. Jacob lacks self-confidence which causes him to allow Kerry to act the way she does. It's a vicious cycle.


Self confidence leads to a better self-perception and once you have this, you are less willing to "settle" for relationships lacking trust. 


I am not saying that trust and self-confidence are all you need in a relationship. They are just a couple of the many factors needed in a strong relationship. 


I know this was a random post, but I have been thinking about Jacob's relationship lately. I know that there are so many ideas about the elements that make up a "strong" relationship. 


What do you think makes a relationship strong? 


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