Saturday, June 11, 2011

Not ready for marraige... yet

"Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by god there will be dancing!"

~My Best Friend's Wedding

A few weeks ago I took a trip down to Miami. I was able to spend time with my sister and it was amazing. But the purpose of my trip was to attend the wedding of my boyfriend's friend. the wedding was beautiful and the reception was memorable. Watching this event made me start to think about my own wedding. I know I am not ready for that kind of commitment BUT it doesn't hurt to think about it, right?

So, during the wedding I started contemplating my dress and flowers and venue. I saw things that I didn't want in my wedding and also saw things that I did. 

But I digress from the point of this entry. I am writing because there was a few moments throughout the night that threw me off. The night was amazing and I was happy to spend time with my boyfriend. Throughout the whole night though he kept saying " I won't be the next one" and "It'll be a long time until this happens to me". He even went as far as blocking me from the bouquet toss. I understand where these comments and actions were coming from, but the way in which he said them hurt so much.

 It felt as if he was stabbing me in my heart EVERY TIME he said these things.

 It was as if he was saying it just to hurt me.

I do not know if he intended to do that to me, but that was the effect. I am going to say it again: I know I am not ready for this type of commitment. I expect (and now know, since he so eagerly made it clear) that he is not ready for a commitment. I just did not expect for him to "humiliate" me like this and make me feel so worthless. 

The past few weeks have allowed me to think the situation over and I have been able to reason through the emotions. It still hurts but I am able to get through it by thinking about how well our relationship has been going. It helps to think about how much I love him and how much (I know) he loves me. It helps to think of the happy times and all of the things that we have been through. it helps me to think about the good time we had dancing together that night!

So, I end this entry with the following quote from Moulin Rouge and courage to overcome all obstacles that you meet throughout a relationship:
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"


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