Monday, April 26, 2010

Jealousy has driven her mad

"an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust." - wikipedia

I am not proud of this. But, I have always been one to be plagued by jealousy. I have never been jealous of someone because of the material things that they have. But, when it comes to the people I love, I have been known to be very jealous. Don't get me wrong. I never have horrible tantrums. I usually keep my feelings to myself and let them eat away at me. It was during one of these episodes that I realized I need to conquer my jealousy. I shouldn't let it get me down or lower my self esteem. I should really look into the situation. See what is making me feel like this, and change my approach for dealing with it.

BUT the first step is to come to the route of my feelings. I decided to do some research on jealousy and came upon the following Russian Proverb :

"Jealousy and love are sisters"

I read this and it was as if a light bulb switched on in my head. It made me notice that I only become jealous when it involves those that I truly love. I am found that most of my jealousy resorts to the fact that other people can make the people I love happier than I can. So, I guess I am jealous of moments that people share with others. Moments that I have no part of. This sounds so stupid. But, after talking to some of my friends about my feelings, I am finding that this is a common cause of jealousy.

But being common does not make it right. Jealousy can be flattering at first, but it can be a destructive factor in a relationship. Maya Angelou said the following :

"Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening".

This is scary. A feeling that started off so genuine and innocent can take over and become something so nasty and devastating. But does jealousy really start off that innocent? Is it not a sign of selfishness. A sign of distrust. A sign of a lack of confidence?

I decided that, for me, it is a little bit of everything. It is a lack of confidence that leads to the distrust in people. I have such a low self esteem that I can't allow myself to believe that others truly do love me (other than my family). Thus this leads to distrust. I start to get jealous because I want someone all to myself. This is disgusting. AND it NEEDS to change!!!

So, now that I have found the cause of my jealousy I have to eradicate that cause. Only then will I reduce the amount of jealousy in my life. I have to become more confident. I must realize that I am smart, funny, and fun to be with. That there is no need to be jealous because I will not be a part of everything. But that does not make me any less of an amazing person.

So, for all of you that have the same problem with jealousy, please realize that you are amazing and work on your self-esteem. Because, once you are confident with yourself, trivial things will not enrage the jealousy monster within you.

Be confident.


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